Jokes and other Funny Stories

A place for all your pictures, videos, avatars, and anything else media related.
User avatar
bashfulglowfly
Posts: 7508
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:30 am
Location: Riverside, CA
Contact:

Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Nov 06, 2008 8:03 am

This is where you can post written jokes or stories.

Try and keep them PG-13...at least...hopefully.

****************

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears
with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.

Uphill... barefoot...

BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up,
there was no way in hell I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it
and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of
thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my
childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today you
don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and
look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write
somebody a letter, with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! You wanted to
steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you
were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
your mom, your boss, your Bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video
games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like 'Space Invaders' and 'asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting
harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was
on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off
your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no
Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK
for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat
something up we had to use the stove ... Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted
five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
Image

User avatar
JesuOtaku
Posts: 432
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 8:00 pm
Location: Southern Kentucky, yes, we wear shoes...
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby JesuOtaku » Thu Nov 06, 2008 6:31 pm

I love jokes. One of my pet favorites, and also one of the WORST jokes I know!

....................................................

Two guys are keen on starting their own business. Budding entrepreneurs are they, big fans of extreme sports to boot. So they decide they're going to start a bungie jumping business, and what better place to stick a bungie jumping business than on the gaping cliffs of Mexico. So they move to Mexico, get a nice little shack and a small area of property and decide to try 'er out!

The trick was to test the cliff's compatibility for bungie jumping, but there's only so many tests you can perform before you have to resort to some hands-on. :twisted: So they flip a coin.

Winner gets to make the bungie cord, loser gets to test it.

So the winner measures out the rope and he's reeeeeal careful with it, tries to make it perfect to the specifications of the clip. The loser straps it on, gives him the thumbs-up and dives off the cliff.

He goes down...

...

...comes back up, and he's covered in bloody scratches and bruises. His buddy, :shock: , tries to catch him, but he misses.

Guy goes back down...

...

:?

...comes back up and he's got several broken bones and he's black and blue all over with swelled joints. His buddy, :shock: :shock: , tries to catch him but he misses.

Guy goes back down...

...

:cry:

...comes back up and he's a horribly swelled and pus-y mess, barely conscious, flopping like a rag doll. His buddy catches him! :shock: :shock: :shock: :cry: He starts screaming,

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry man. I thought the cord...I coulda sworn it was the right length. I'm gonna call an ambulance, man, I'm so sorry!"

Through his broken teeth, the friend reassures him,

"Aw, no, man, the cord was just perfect, dude. It was fine. But...tell me...

...

...what's a pinata?"

..............................................................

I may be going to hell for that one. :lol:
Image

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

User avatar
bashfulglowfly
Posts: 7508
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:30 am
Location: Riverside, CA
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri Nov 07, 2008 4:59 am

This is the "clean" version I did so that we could give it to some friends who would have been offended by the swear words...I'm sure that you can guess which were actually used.

**************

Jan 10 It’s starting to snow. The first of the season, and the first we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took out Hot Buttered Rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was absolutely breathtaking!

Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was masked with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterward the snowplow came by and did his little trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

Jan 13 It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my rear in the driveway. Went to the emergency room, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan 14 Still cold today. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4X4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable damage to the right front fender. We had another 8 inches of the white crud last night. Both vehicles are covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me. The stinking snowplow came by twice.

Jan 15 2 degrees at noon today. More bloody snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a bloody kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on both my hands, and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid out on the ice on my way to the emergency room - it was totaled.

Jan 16 Stinking, bloody white crud just keeps falling. Have to put on all of the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox, to find out that dirtwad mailman didn’t come. If I ever catch that son-of-a-gun that drives the bloody snowplow, I’ll rip open his chest and tear out his rotting heart. Power’s still off. Toilet froze solid and cracked. Part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan 17 5 more inches of bloody snow and bloody ice and bloody sleet and God knows what other kinds of bloody white crud fell last night. I wounded the snowplow scumbag with an ice pick, but he got away. My wife left me. The car won’t start. I think I’m going snowblind. I can’t move my toes. I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More snow is predicted. Wind chill is about 28 degrees below stinking zero.


Moving back to California soon!
Image

User avatar
freezespell
Posts: 2082
Joined: Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:58 am
Location: Here at Anime Alley, living my dreams through other people AND showing off the mother of my child.
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby freezespell » Fri Nov 07, 2008 5:40 am

I found a few jokes on the internet and they're probably not PG-13 so I apologize ahead of time but I'm sure you'll love them.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.


Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A: Their balls are just for decoration.


Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A: It's not hard. ;)


Q: How do you circumsize a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.


Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

So that's it for now. If I find more of them, I'll put them here.
Kami-sama wa sono hitori no ko wo tamawatta hodo ni kono yo wo aishite kudasatta. Sore wa miko wo shinjiru mono ga hitori mo horobinai de eien no inochi wo eru tame dearu.
"I'm gonna go cash an Over/Under 69 with Jenn Sturger. Laters." -@NFLcommishFAKE
"You don't burn out from going too fast. You burn out from going too slow and getting bored." -Cliff Burton
"Honestly, If I wanted to see King Hippo dance, I'd play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!" -The Miz

Image
Big thanks to Littlewolf for the sig! :D

User avatar
chrisb
Moderator
Posts: 4788
Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2008 4:30 am
Location: TX, USA
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby chrisb » Thu Nov 13, 2008 2:51 am

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
DINO-SORE-ASS

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Likalottapus
Image

User avatar
JesuOtaku
Posts: 432
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 8:00 pm
Location: Southern Kentucky, yes, we wear shoes...
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby JesuOtaku » Thu Nov 13, 2008 3:08 am

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

...

"See ya next month."
Image

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

User avatar
Psycho 101
Promoter
Posts: 10371
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:00 am
Location: Hiding in your fridge eating your cake.
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Thu Nov 13, 2008 4:56 am

JesuOtaku wrote:What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

...

"See ya next month."


OMG that is so nasty. :lol: We've got a bunch of pervs here hehe.

User avatar
JesuOtaku
Posts: 432
Joined: Fri Oct 17, 2008 8:00 pm
Location: Southern Kentucky, yes, we wear shoes...
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby JesuOtaku » Thu Nov 13, 2008 6:13 am

Well, great. If YOU said it was nasty, now I feel really bad. :lol:

I am Queen Perv! Kneel before me! :twisted:
Image

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

User avatar
Psycho 101
Promoter
Posts: 10371
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:00 am
Location: Hiding in your fridge eating your cake.
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Thu Nov 13, 2008 12:08 pm

Well if you're the Queen I am most definitely the King. Most of mine would have to go into the 18+ section though lol.

User avatar
Zin5ki
Posts: 1179
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2008 8:07 pm
Location: London, UK
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Zin5ki » Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:58 pm

If JesuOtaku got away with the vampire joke I'll try this:

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

(I can do much nastier but I shall refrain.)

User avatar
Saki
Posts: 2779
Joined: Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:37 am
Location: Ready to kick your butt.
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Saki » Sun Nov 16, 2008 1:09 am

A fly passes near an angry toad's pad.

"Hey bud!"

"Buzz off, lunch!"
ImageImage

Nankatsu's Field: Updated every Monday

User avatar
Psycho 101
Promoter
Posts: 10371
Joined: Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:00 am
Location: Hiding in your fridge eating your cake.
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Sun Nov 16, 2008 5:26 am

Well I might as well tell this one naughty joke lol. I forget how it completely goes but I'll get it as close as I can.

There was this whale swimming around in the ocean right of a coast. He sees a whaling book up ahead. He recognizes it as the the boat that hunted and killed his father. So he goes over and tries to capsize it and knock it over. He can't get close enough though as the whalers have lots of spears and harpoons.

He swims away a bit completely angry that he can't get revenge. Just then a female whale friend of his is swimming by and he swims over to her. He starts talking to her and asking her for help.

"You gotta help me. That boat are the whalers who killed my father. I want to capsize and knock the boat over so they'll all drown and I can get revenge for my father. If I distract them can you use your blow hole to push the boat over with water?"

"I don't know" the female whale responded.

"You gotta help me...please" the male pleaded.

So the female agreed and swam over with him. He swam around the boat like before and got their attention. The whalers started throwing their spears and harpoons trying to get him. They didn't notice the female coming up behind them. She goes under the boats and shoots water out her blow hole and capsizes the boat. All the whalers fall into the ocean. But unfortunately for the male they all can swim and start swimming to the coast and safety.

The male swims quickly back up to the female to get her help once again

"You gotta help me again. They can all swim and are getting away. We need to go and swallow them and eat them and help me get revenge. Please you gotta help me."

The female shakes her head and says no way. The male continues to plead with her but she won't budge and turns to swim away.

"I agreed to help you with a blow job but I am not swallowing seamen. :lol:

User avatar
bashfulglowfly
Posts: 7508
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:30 am
Location: Riverside, CA
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sun Nov 16, 2008 5:45 am

Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light. They suck dark. Thus, they now call these bulbs “dark suckers.” The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark.

Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room.

As with all things, dark suckers don’t last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can’t handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus, it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to man’s advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember it is indeed a dark sucker
Image

User avatar
bashfulglowfly
Posts: 7508
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:30 am
Location: Riverside, CA
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Tue Nov 18, 2008 2:35 am

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven.
She removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE
Image

User avatar
BrothersElric
Posts: 916
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:01 am
Location: Bountiful, Utah
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby BrothersElric » Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:21 am

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

..............................

Heh, actually, believe it or not, as shocking as it is knowing prudish ol' me and all...... well, you gotta understand the friends I used to hang out with, they got really, really bad with some of their perverted jokes sometimes...... so yeah, unfortunately I know my fair share as well but I refuse to tell any of them.

Anyways, here's some good clean fun for y'all:

One day a Rabbi goes to one of his fellow Rabbi friends and tells him "this is urgent! I sent my son to the holy land and he became a Christian!" His friend responds "funny you should say that, I sent my son to the holy land as well and he too became a Christian!" So they both decide to go another one of their friends to take the issue up with him. But when they do he too says "funny you should say that I sent my son to the holy land as well and he too became a Christian!" So in trying to figure out what they should do the decide to pray and ask the lord about this issue. So they knelt down and prayed and lo and behold the clouds parted and thus forth came the lord. He asks "what is that's troubling you fine gentlemen?" In humility before the lord they say "oh lord! please help us! We all sent our sons to the holy land and they all became Christians!" And the lord replies "funny you should say that, I sent my son to the holy land and......."

you get the rest. ;)

User avatar
darksideoftheanime
Posts: 7438
Joined: Sat Oct 18, 2008 11:40 pm
Location: Upstate New York
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby darksideoftheanime » Tue Nov 18, 2008 10:44 pm

This is a joke a friend of mine once told me.

A long time ago, on the Island of Trid, there lived a Rabbi. The Rabbi lived among the Tridites who inhabited the island. The Rabbi became stranded on the island in the years previous.

Now, the Tridites had a strange tradition. Every year, in celebration to the new year, all the Tridites would travel up the mountain in the middle of their island. It took three long, tedious days of committed traveling to finally reach the top. At the event of reaching the top of the mountain, there was a giant troll who would kick them off the top of the mountain. This usually killed several of the Tridites.

The Rabbi, confused at this strange tradition, decided he would accompany the Tridites on their New Year’s Journey up to the mountain.

Finally, New Year’s rolled around, and the Rabbi began packing for the journey. He packed everything that the other Tridites packed.

The next morning, they all got up and stretched, preparing to ascend the mountain.

It took three, long, tedious days to reach the top, but they all finally made it.

Suddenly, a cataclysm much like an earthquake began to take place. The Tridites grabbed hold of anything they could find that would steady them. Then the Rabbi saw the giant troll. The giant troll began to kick all of the Tridites off of the top of the mountain. The Rabbi shuttered as he saw a very pretty girl in her teens, fall down the mountain, getting all scratched up.

Before long, all of the Tridites had been kicked down the mountain. The Rabbi looked around and saw that he was the only one still up there.

He cautiously approached the giant troll.

“Uhm…excuse me, Giant Troll?” Said the Rabbi.

“Yes?” Said the Giant Troll, in a very loud voice that shook the tops of the trees.

“How come you didn’t kick me off the mountain?” He asked.

The Troll laughed, then spoke up suddenly: “Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!”

The End. :)
Image
Dammit, it’s my turn to say dammit.” -Daria.
What are you listening to? challenge: Completed 102 of 114.

User avatar
BrothersElric
Posts: 916
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:01 am
Location: Bountiful, Utah
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby BrothersElric » Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:01 am

Four people are riding in an airplaine: a British person, a French person, a Mexican and a Texan. All of a sudden the captain goes into the back and tells the men that one of their engines has gone out, and that one of them has to jump. So the British person opts to go first and as he jumps he shouts out "God save the Queen!" Minutes latter the captain comes into the back again and tells them that the second engine has gone out, so another one has to jump. So the French person volunteers and as he jumps he shouts out "Viva la Revolution!" Minutes later the captain comes back and says "our third engine has gone out so now one of you remaining two has to jump." So the Texan grabs the Mexican, tosses him out the plane and shouts out to him as he's falling "Remember the Alamo!"

:lol:

User avatar
bashfulglowfly
Posts: 7508
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:30 am
Location: Riverside, CA
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:24 am

A recently discovered Chapter in Genesis proves the answer to,

“Where do pets actually come from?”

Adam said, “Lord, when I was in your garden, you walked with me every day. But now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome and it is difficult for me to remember your love for me.”

And God said, “No problem. I will create for you a companion which will be with you forever, and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me! Regardless of how selfish, or childish, or unlovable you may seem to be, this new companion will accept you simply as you are, and will love you as I do, and all that in spite of yourself!”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased with Adam.

And he wagged his tail!

Then it came to pass, Adam said to God, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom, and I cannot think of an appropriate name for this new animal.”

And God replied, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name. You will call the new animal, DOG!”

And Dog lived with Adam.

And he was his companion.

And he loved him.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content.

And wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s Guardian Angel became troubled. The Angel went to God and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock, and he believes himself to be worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is truly loved, but perhaps too well!”

And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for Adam another companion who will be with him forever. And will see him as he is. This new companion will remind Adam of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”

And so, God created CAT to be a companion for Adam.

And CAT would not obey Adam!

And when Adam gazed into CAT’s eyes, he was reminded of how he was not really the Supreme Being.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was greatly improved.

And DOG was happy.

And CAT didn’t particularly give a shit, one way or the other!
Image

User avatar
BrothersElric
Posts: 916
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:01 am
Location: Bountiful, Utah
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby BrothersElric » Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:55 am

ha ha ha! That is SO true! XD

Here's another one:

One day, a deeply religious man who was more faithful to the lord than anyone on the planet, knelt down and prayed to the lord as usual. Durring his prayer the lord appeared before him and said "I am very pleased by your incredible amount of faith. For that I will grant you any one wish you desire." The man, shocked and excited, replies "well then I want to make a worldwide highway that connects every nation in the world to one another, so that we can all have an easier way of interacting with one another." The lord thought about it and said "hmmm, I'm not entirely sure that's going to be possible, what with all of the natural resources and manpower that would have to go into such a thing, not to mention it might not be very structurally sound. So is there anything else you might ask for?" the man replied "well in that case, I'd like to know everything there is to know about women." The lord paused, heavy in contemplation for a very long time, and then finally said "you want 4 lanes on that highway or 5?"

Now THAT is truth right there! ;)

User avatar
bashfulglowfly
Posts: 7508
Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2008 4:30 am
Location: Riverside, CA
Contact:

Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Wed Nov 19, 2008 5:19 am

HOW TO BATHE YOUR CAT

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I’ve spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I’ve been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: “This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez.” When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

▸ Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on the advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker that a politician can shift positions.)

▸ Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

▸ Prepare everything in advance. There is not time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.

▸ Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice you strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)

▸ Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is--for cats--three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)

▸ Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at the point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
Image


Return to “Media”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests