Jokes and other Funny Stories

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Psycho 101
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:51 am

Let me ask my roommate as she is a Bills fan lol.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Thu Mar 11, 2010 1:13 am

Smart Ass Answers

Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat.... she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Mar 11, 2010 5:52 am

Another - Never Assume!
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here."
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay.Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Mar 11, 2010 5:57 am

Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?



Little Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.



Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?



Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.



Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?



Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.



Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?



Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.



Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?



Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.



Defense Attorney:

Why not?



Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.



Defense Attorney:

What happened next?



Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.



Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?



Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.



Defense Attorney:

Why not?



Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!



Defense Attorney:

What happened next?



Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him

'Take me, young man. Take me now!'



Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?



Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby chrisb » Thu Mar 11, 2010 7:52 am

d.yaro wrote:Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


I literally couldn't breathe after reading that :sweat

my joke:

Two muffins are in a hot oven.
One says: sure is warm in here huh?
2nd one says:


Oh shit a talking muffin!
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Thu Mar 11, 2010 7:40 pm

More nonsense found in the archives...

You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sun Mar 14, 2010 4:00 am

Should children witness childbirth?





Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen , a 3-year old girl
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked..

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.


The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place........smack him again!'

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sun Mar 21, 2010 4:56 am

Visitor's Guide to Louisville, KY


1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Loo-vull"

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Louisville has its own version of traffic rules....the truck with the loudest exhaust goes next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that. (Note: Blue haired ladies driving anything have right of way anytime.)

3. To find anything in Louisville it is required that you know were the "Old Sears Building" is... which is the Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.

4. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

6. You must know that "Jefferson Freeway", "Gene Snyder Freeway", "I - 265", and "State Road 841" are the same road.

7. Construction is a permanent fixture in Louisville. The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, opossum, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

9 . If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".

10. The minimum acceptable speed on the "Gene Snyder Freeway (see above) is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Kentucky's version of NASCAR.

11. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.

12. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone .. you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped off" accordingly.

13. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city driving.

14. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

15. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Kentucky Derby Festival is going on. Then again it might be 85 .
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Apr 19, 2010 4:01 am

A Letter To Jessie James



You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?



How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah. Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named " America 's Sweetheart."


You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away. You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet! How can you live with yourself!


I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are: Thanks for taking the heat off of me.

Let’s do lunch.


~Tiger
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat Apr 24, 2010 10:02 pm

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how
much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: [spoiler]'Dave............. You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.'[/spoiler]
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Wed Apr 28, 2010 5:41 am

THE AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a Mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father .... ?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:57 am

^ I'm thoroughly past silly thanks to a bottle of Merlot...So needless to say I really enjoyed the joke...even though I saw it coming ten miles down the track! :D

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:41 am

Well I'm not throughly past silly but I enjoyed it too none the less lol.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Tue May 25, 2010 5:39 am

FATHER OF THE YEAR



A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"



He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

*********

I wish I could think that fast.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu May 27, 2010 4:42 pm

A WOMAN'S POEM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and smacked the shit out of him
Like his mother used to do.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri May 28, 2010 5:27 pm

CALIFORNIA


The governor of California is jogging along a trail with his dog when a coyote jumps out and starts to attack the dog.
At first, the governor starts to intervene and gets bitten by the coyote. The coyote kills the dog, but the governor realizes he should stop, because the coyote is just doing what is natural. Instead he calls animal control, who captures the coyote and spends $250 state taxpayer money testing it for diseases and $500 relocating it.
Meanwhile, the government calls a veterinarian, who sends a helper to collect the dead dog and spends $500 taxpayer money testing it for diseases.
The governor goes to hospital and spends $3500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting bite wound bandaged.
The running trail is shut down for 6 months while Wildlife Services conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
The governor and the state assembly allocate $50,000 to establish a coyote awareness program for people who live in the area.
The State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate it.
The governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and letting the Governor try to intervene.
It costs $75,000 to train new security agent.
PETA protests the relocation of the coyote.




TEXAS

The same thing happens in Texas. The governor spends $1.23 on a .380 ACP Gold Dot Hollow Point to dismiss the coyote. He and his dog keep jogging.


It doesn't take a Nobel Prize winner in Economics to figure out why California is broke
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Fri May 28, 2010 7:20 pm

So you enjoying living in Cali then Lydia lol?

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat May 29, 2010 12:10 am

Psycho 101 wrote:So you enjoying living in Cali then Lydia lol?


I honestly can't see myself living anywhere else...but I do shake my head sometimes about the weirdos that live here.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:01 am

1)

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the
convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2)
OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3)
KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone
rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4)
MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5)
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6)
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7)
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly
intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers
and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in
a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe
this!'

8)
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning
his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not,
darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next
morning.'

9)
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the
intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper
burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting,
then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be
unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


10)
SCHOOL
A little
girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she
said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me
talk!'

11)
BIBLE
A little
boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the
old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and
looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the
pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got
there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I
think it's Adam's underwear!'
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:04 am

Doctors vs. Gun Owners ~

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is

700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians

Per Year Are

120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician
is
0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.

is

80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)



(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
Per Year, All Age Groups,

is
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths
per gun owner
is
.000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, Doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT

Almost everyone has at least one doctor!

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends

to this

alarming threat!


We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,

I withheld the statistics on
Lawyers ...

for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!
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