Jokes and other Funny Stories

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Psycho 101
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Tue May 10, 2011 10:26 pm

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that Door for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack
PS, you let go!

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Nickleback,
That's enough.
Sincerely,
The World

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States

Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear Katy Perry,
I liked the kiss too.
Sincerely,
Justin Beiber

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You
piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I
was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

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Emerje
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Emerje » Thu May 12, 2011 12:12 am

Nowhere better to post this so I'm posting the link here. It's a little spoof on recent events:

Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says

Emerje
"I don't see the cup as half empty or half full, I see the cup as too big." - Jeremy Clarkson (Top Gear)

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darksideoftheanime
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby darksideoftheanime » Thu May 12, 2011 12:20 am

^ I think the comments section is the best part :lol:
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Dammit, it’s my turn to say dammit.” -Daria.
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Psycho 101
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Thu May 19, 2011 3:57 am

A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!"
He returns her gaze. "Anything??"
"Yes,.. Anything!" She says.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'
Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'
Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'
Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"


People can become vampires in 3 easy steps:.....
1) Spill glue on the floor
2) Throw a bunch of glitter on top (glitter/SPARKLES - its your choice)
3) Roll around in it


A little boy asks his dad;
"What's between mom's legs?"
The father answers," Paradise."
The kid asks again,"Whats between your legs?"
The father replies, "The key to paradise."
Then, the son says,
"Piece of advice dad, change
the lock. The neighbor has a copy."


A blonde goes to the hospital to know whether she is pregnant or not. The doctor does a scan and tells her she is going to have twins. The blonde bursts out in tears and the doctor asks why? He asks , do you not want twins? The blonde says, no, its just, i dont know who the 2nd dad is!!

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bashfulglowfly
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat May 28, 2011 5:09 am

Image

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
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Psycho 101
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Mon Jun 06, 2011 4:07 am

Here's a dirty one....

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on together with a short skirt
and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her
husband finally asks
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."!!!!!

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Jun 09, 2011 4:22 am

My dad just sent me an email and told me to look at the bottom. This is what was there:

*****

CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This e-mail message including attachments, if any, is intended only for the person or entity to which it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privileged material. Then again, it may not, but who is to say, really? This is, after all, law firm email, and we do like small print and disclosures. Therefore, any unauthorized review, use, disclosure or distribution is prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender by reply e-mail and destroy all copies of the original message. Smash your hard drive and bury it. Then bury the shovel. If you are the intended recipient but do not wish to receive communications through this medium, please so advise the sender immediately.

****

LOL! I REALLY wish I could think up stuff like that!
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Emerje
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Emerje » Fri Jun 10, 2011 6:05 am

Bury it and then bury the shovel. I'm going to have to remember that one. :lol:

Emerje
"I don't see the cup as half empty or half full, I see the cup as too big." - Jeremy Clarkson (Top Gear)

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:13 pm

MEN IN HEAVEN

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said,

"I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 10,000 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves! I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:02 am

Oil Change instructions for Women:


1.. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change:$24.00

Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree; use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7.. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off..

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40.. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00


TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!
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Psycho 101
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:52 am

Considering I live in the country.....that's entirely too accurate lol.

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bashfulglowfly
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Jul 18, 2011 10:05 pm

CUSSING IN CHURCH!

A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in
this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to
inform him of her situation.

The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that
foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer,
"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million
dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?
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Sentire
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Sentire » Thu Aug 04, 2011 3:10 am

This gave me a good laugh today! :lol:

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d.yaro
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Thu Aug 04, 2011 6:54 am

Got this one courtesy of Yae-hime on MAL:

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Image
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"Boredom is not an appropriate response to exploding cars." - Hugh Laurie

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat Aug 13, 2011 4:17 am

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here ... these coyotes ain't having sex with our sheep .... they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order. . ...
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Psycho 101
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Mon Aug 15, 2011 6:38 am

A Husband lay dying. The Wife was by his bedside, he said in a tired voice."There's something I must confess." "Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right." "No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and ur best friends mum!" "I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Aug 29, 2011 2:49 pm

If God had texted the Ten Commandments:

1. no1 b4 me. srsly
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols...
3. no omgs!
...4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)...
5. prnts ok -- ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. sx only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Tue Sep 13, 2011 4:18 am

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this
one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During
the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help
but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer,
was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of
the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian
and Jennifer than met the eye.


Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you
Jennifer and I are just roommates."



About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian
said, "We ll, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail
just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom:

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle
from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not"
take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love, Brian"


Several days later, Brian received an email back
from his mother that read:


"Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer,
I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with
Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom"
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Wed Sep 28, 2011 3:13 pm

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of man's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter
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darksideoftheanime
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby darksideoftheanime » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:32 am

This comes from an e-mail from my dad:

TOOL TERMINOLOGY


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
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Dammit, it’s my turn to say dammit.” -Daria.
What are you listening to? challenge: Completed 102 of 114.


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