Jokes and other Funny Stories

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darksideoftheanime
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby darksideoftheanime » Fri Oct 22, 2010 5:41 pm

What happens when you try to compute the BCS with different operating systems:

Windows 98 -- As I was beginning to run the BCS program, a paper clip popped up on the screen and said: "It looks like you are trying to ruin college football. Would you like some help?" For purposes of this exercise, I clicked "Don't show me this tip again." The only other option was: "Continue pretending a playoff isn't a viable option."

Windows NT -- I ran the BCS program on my old desktop computer with a Windows NT operating system and, while I was doing it, my Outlook e-mailed the BCS virus to all of the other college football divisions. So now the Division I FCS, Division II and Division III are without a playoff, too. Sorry!

Windows Vista -- Every time I tried to run the BCS formula, a window popped up saying I was trying to run a "malicious program." Have to agree with you there, Vista. It's the first thing you've done right.

MacBook -- The BCS program ran flawlessly on my MacBook Pro, but it unfortunately gave the exact same results as the current BCS system. However, in the plus column, the results were given while music from a hipster band was playing in the background. So now I feel like I'm pretty cool and that the BCS is, too.

Commodore 64 -- My 8-bit Commodore 64 caught fire while it was trying to crunch the BCS formula. In conclusion: This is definitely the computer to run it on.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Emerje » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:57 am

Robot Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

At 5:30 that afternoon, his 11-year-old son, Tommy, returned home from school two hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked his mother, Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby chrisb » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:41 pm

^ I'm going to be sharing that one. :lol:
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:55 am

Subject: Directions
Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --

"Defrost the chicken." (True Story)
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Emerje » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:33 am

I think I heard that one on Myth Busters, or maybe it was that they made a similar mistake, not sure since that episode was a long time ago. Still pretty funny, though.

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"I don't see the cup as half empty or half full, I see the cup as too big." - Jeremy Clarkson (Top Gear)

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Zin5ki » Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:16 pm

bashfulglowfly wrote:(True Story)

I recall being told something similar, but with the roles of each nation's scientists in the joke being reversed. Of course, it is not within my capabilities to discover which version, if either, is veridical.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Emerje » Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:48 am

When in doubt, Snopes. Looks like there's no basis for the story and some groups actually do fire frozen fowl figuring if the glass can survive that it can survive anything.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:05 am

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Zin5ki » Mon Nov 22, 2010 10:32 pm

I overheard this in the office today:

You know you're getting old when, whilst watching a pornographic film, you think to yourself, "that looks like a comfy bed!"

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Tue Nov 23, 2010 6:27 am

I overheard a conversation at the chip shop on Sunday and one of the two guys engaged in it mentioned the radical feminist line "All men are born potential rapists". I was going to tie that in with the "Anime is anti-feminist" debate but instead I remembered this joke:

One sunny day a young woman was floating around on the local lake in her small boat. She was basically minding her own business reading a book when a fellow from the fish and wildlife department came by in his boat and said "Hello". Then he asked if she had a fishing license. She said "No" and he advised her that since he saw that she had a fishing rod on her boat then he was going to have to give her a ticket for fishing without a license. She retorted that she was just reading her book and she didn't have a fishing line in the water so he shouldn't give her a ticket. He replied "Yes, but you have the equipment". To which she fired back "Well, I'm going to charge you with rape then...after all you have the equipment".
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby chrisb » Tue Nov 23, 2010 11:36 am

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Nov 25, 2010 2:20 am

The Perfect Husband ???





Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.. It's only $2, 000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.



He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Dec 13, 2010 3:33 am

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby darksideoftheanime » Mon Dec 13, 2010 4:38 pm

Here comes a joke my physic professor told us:

Two cats sit on a inclined roof, staring each other down. Which one falls off the roof first?

[spoiler]The one with the lowest mu[/spoiler]
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Zin5ki » Mon Dec 13, 2010 7:51 pm

darksideoftheanime wrote:Here comes a joke my physic professor told us

Does the professor know why pirates prefer to use polar co-ordinates?

[spoiler]The explanation is that they like to differentiate with respect to Arrrr.[/spoiler]

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:56 pm

This is probably in here already but I'm not about to hunt it down...

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare... You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it! Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:58 pm

I pinched this and my previous post off of slenderfall's comment string on MAL:

You may find these helpful as the years advance...

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:28 am

I don't think that I've ever posted this but I think it's pretty funny.

WARNING!! BAD LANGUAGE IN JOKE! NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

******************

Jan 10: It’s starting to snow. The first of the season, and the first we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took out Hot Buttered Rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was absolutely breathtaking!

Jan 11: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was masked with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Jan 12: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterward the snowplow came by and did his little trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

Jan 13: It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. Went to the emergency room, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan 14: Still cold today. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4 X 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did considerable damage to the right front fender. We had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles are covered with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me. The goddamn snowplow came by twice.

Jan 15: 2 degrees at noon today. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a fucking kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on both my hands, and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid out on the ice on my way to the emergency room - it was totaled.

Jan 16: Goddamn, motherfucking white shit just keeps falling. Have to put on all of the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox, to find out that the asshole mailman didn’t come. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the fucking snowplow, I’ll rip open his chest and tear out his fucking heart. Power’s still off. Toilet froze solid and cracked. Part of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan 17: 5 more inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking sleet and God knows what other kinds of fucking white shit fell last night. I wounded the snowplow asshole with a fucking ice pick, but he got away. My wife left me. The car won’t start. I think I’m going snowblind. I can’t move my toes. I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More snow is predicted. Wind chill is about 28 degrees below fucking zero.

Moving back to California soon!
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Jan 03, 2011 10:10 pm

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri Feb 04, 2011 5:47 am

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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