Jokes and other Funny Stories

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Psycho 101
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:31 am

That last one was hilarious. I have to share that with my parents.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Thu Jun 17, 2010 7:50 pm

Here's a little joke (heh) I found earlier.

A woman is helping her hubby set up the new computer. For a password the hubby types PENIS. The wife falls off chair laughing 'HAHAHAHAHA' when the computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH. =OD

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Jun 21, 2010 4:36 pm

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right,
everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Past » Tue Jun 29, 2010 1:44 am

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:17 pm

Only if he is named Keith Stone and as smooth as Key Stone heh.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:44 am

I found this on a Deviant Art Journal entry and it made me laugh so I thought that I'd share it.

****************

> A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
>
> She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
>
> She immediately moved to another seat.
>
> This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
>
> The man seemed more amused.
>
> When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
>
> she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
>
>
> The case came up in court.
>
> The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
>
> what he had to say for himself.
>
>
>
> The man replied,
>
> 'Well your Honor, it was like this:
>
> when the lady got on the bus,
>
> I couldn't help but notice her condition.
>
> She sat down under a sign that said,
>
> 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
>
> Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
>
> 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
>
> Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
>
> 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
>
> But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
>
> and sat under a sign that said,
>
> 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
>
> ... I just lost it.'
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:48 pm

This one came via Chelle on the MAL: The Later Years comment thread:

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

'It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story?
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:18 pm

Well it explains why men love breasts so much lol

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Tue Aug 10, 2010 5:59 am

This is a true story. There is even more interesting reading about this at: http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.asp

The Dam



This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read The State's letter before you get to the response letter.



State of Pennsylvania 's letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.





Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.




These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,


RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Tue Aug 10, 2010 10:47 pm

I near about choked on my tea laughing at that. My dad worked for state agency DNR (Department of Natural Resources-like the State police but for more biological matters heh) in the NRP (Natural Resources Police) department. So I know he will get a kick out of this heh.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Tue Aug 10, 2010 10:49 pm

That beaver story has been around for a long time. It would appear the dates have been doctored from the original version. I think I saw it first about 15 years ago. Maybe 20 years ago.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Tue Aug 10, 2010 10:54 pm

Still funny. =p

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sun Aug 15, 2010 5:46 am

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.


He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.


The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"


The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."


A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.


The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.


When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.


The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.


The crowd stopped laughing immediately.


The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.


The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but.... I've always wanted to."
There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.


Don't waste ammunition.


Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.


Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby darksideoftheanime » Thu Sep 09, 2010 9:14 pm

55 Bad Fortunes

1. You will never know the magic word.
2. The sun rises in the East and beats your ass.
3. Ninety-five percent of the things you worry about will never happen. The other five percent will kill you.
4. If a pigeon poops on you, do not blame the pigeon, blame the poop.
5. You will break it; you will buy it.
6. Your assumptions are wrong.
7. Your winning smile will get you nowhere.
8. You are sitting on gum.
9. The lesser of two evils is still evil.
10. Ancient Chinese secret: You're screwed.
11. I know I am, but what am I? —Descartes, on the playground
12. Be decisive. Maybe. If you want to.
13. You've got something in your teeth.
14. If a man slaps you in the face, turn the other cheek and shoot him.
15. O.J. knows you did it.
16. You have many unique talents, none of which are marketable.
17. Next time, borrow a life.
18. The Tooth Fairy will step on your face.
19. Have you put on weight?
20. Two words: Nose job.
21. She was faking.
22. Embrace mediocrity. It suits you.
23. Beware of 10-year-olds with pennies on skyscraper roofs.
24. One man's life is another man's punchline.
25. You've always been a little different, haven't you? Put your clothes back on.
26. Nice booger.
27. 2,390,670,980 fortunes=one tree. Please recycle.
28. Cash value: 1/20th of a cent. Spiritual value: Yang.
29. Who dressed you?
30. Live and don't learn.
31. Sorry, this is a BYOF cookie.
32. You gonna eat that?
33. Your Indian spirit name is Ralphputian.
34. Your partner in life will be bad-tempered but serve a mean dish of chili.
35. A short man will tell you a tall tale.
36. You will be injured in a disco inferno.
37. You will have bad sex and bad pizza, in that order.
38. Your name will appear in the newspaper in a matter involving the American justice system, pudding and naked abandon.
39. You will take a long journey and forget to turn off the stove.
40. While you are giving an important speech, someone in the audience will ask, "Are you imagining us in our underwear?"
41. [Fortune Delivered by ESP]
42. You will sink and rust.
43. Social Security will run out the day you retire.
44. You will throw up on a train.
45. Kato Kaelin will rent your room.
46. You will have one of those days for a year.
47. You will be halved by a bad magician.
48. Your grandmother will see you on "Cops."
49. You will swing your arm and hit a lawyer.
50. Everything about you is getting smaller.
51. You have a spider in your ear.
52. Teenagers will begin using your first name as slang for "gross."
53. Your guardian angel got laid off.
54. Your pets have never liked you.
55. People are just being nice.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri Sep 10, 2010 4:57 am

^ #38 is STILL making me laugh!
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat Sep 18, 2010 3:22 am

Please don't misread our intentions. We are in NO way in agreement with any type of gun control, but after seeing this..we are, unfortunately, in agreement that something needs to change...

If you agree with this please send to the powers that be. Hope we can stop it.

While we always agree that hunting is an ethical God given right, we think that we would have to agree with the author on this one. Fox hunting in Colorado should be banned!
Please help ban fox hunting in Colorado ~

THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!






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Signed,
Peter Cottontail
Bugs Bunny
The Easter Bunny
Thumper
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat Sep 25, 2010 2:38 am

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers and then there are educators.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby darksideoftheanime » Sun Sep 26, 2010 12:15 am

This comes from Rick Reilly:

Complisults for all 32 NFL teams:

To a Steelers fan: "You're so lucky. Your team makes news all year round!"

To an Eagles fan: "Not a lot of teams would give a convicted felon control of their team. Good for you guys."

To a Jags fan: "I'll bet those home TV blackouts are a relief some weeks, huh?"

To a Chargers fan: "Man, you must really relish the regular season!"

To a Vikings fan: "It's so cool that you got that old drifter dude back to quarterback you guys again!"

To a Colts fan: "Hey, at least you won't have to go through that whole 'Should we rest our starters or go undefeated?' thing again this year!"

To a Packers fan: "With Favre gone, it must feel good to be out of the glare of the national spotlight."

To a Panthers fan: "I love watching you guys. You have to throw so much in the second half, it really makes it fun!"

To a Seahawks fan: "Man, I wish I could be as patient with losing as you guys."

To a Bears fan: "Dude, when you talk about a team that's history, you're talking the Chicago Bears."

To a Patriots fan: "Hey, at least nobody can accuse you guys of cheating to win anymore."

To a Redskins fan: "I'll bet you're excited about the start of your latest rebuilding program, right?"

To a Raiders fan: "That's the thing I admire about Al Davis. He's his own man even if it means ruining his own franchise!"

To a Saints fan: "Saints fans are lucky. You can cheer for Reggie Bush with no reservations."

To a Chiefs fan: "Love the way you guys went out in the offseason and got yourselves a top-notch offensive coordinator. Nice."

To a Rams fan: "I tell ya, I just think that's complete hogwash when people say Alabama could beat you guys. Complete hogwash."

To a Broncos fan: "It must be so rewarding to watch a young coach grow and learn from his mistakes."

To a Texans fan: "Must be great having your Januaries free."

To a Bengals fan: "I think T.O. has really changed. Just look at his time in Buffalo. He didn't do a single thing to draw attention to himself!"

To a Ravens fan: "I really admire Ray Lewis. Is this the year he's eligible for the Hall of Fame?"

To a Cowboys fan: "It's weird because Romo sure looks like a great quarterback."

To a Dolphins fan: "You're lucky. You know that nothing's gonna happen to make you take your eyes off your hot cheerleaders!"

To a Titans fan: "For the life of me, I just can't understand why you guys don't win more!"

To a Jets fan: "Hey, no matter what happens, I gotta thank you. You guys put on a helluva preseason."

To a Giants fan: "When your quarterback is the second-most talented Manning, you're doing pretty good."

To a Falcons fan: "You guys were in a Super Bowl, right? A long time ago?"

To a 49ers fan: "It must be nice not to have to worry too much about your team, so you can concentrate on fantasy, right?"

To a Bucs fan: "You know, there's a lot of players I don't like. But I can't think of a single player on your team that comes to mind."

To a Cardinals fan: "No, seriously! I hear Warner might come back!"

To a Bills fan: "Don't forget: Peter O'Toole was nominated eight times and never won an Oscar. Doesn't mean he wasn't pretty darn good."

To a Browns fan: "Man, I'll bet you can get really good seats even on the day of the game, right?"

To a Lions fan: "Worst ever? I mean, c'mon! Worst ever? I'm not buying that. No way."
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Dammit, it’s my turn to say dammit.” -Daria.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Sep 27, 2010 5:18 am

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At 87 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'....

'The damned judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Mon Sep 27, 2010 7:53 pm

^ Oh "thank-you!". Got a good laugh out of that one. Cheers!
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