Jokes and other Funny Stories

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sun Nov 27, 2011 3:46 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:

^I'm going to send that to my dad! I just KNOW he'll laugh is a$$ off!
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Jan 12, 2012 5:00 am

An oldie but a goodie!

*****

Football Fan


An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Dallas, Texas
and was trying to make a good impression on her first day explains to her class that she's a Cowboys fan.

She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Cowboy fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm NOT a Cowboys fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Cowboys fan,
then whom do you support?"

"I'm a 49ers fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain
why are you a 49ers fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Francisco and my mom is a 49ers fan and my dad is a 49ers fan, so I'm a Niner fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason for you to be a 49ers fan. You don't have to be just like your
parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your
dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a RAIDERS fan."
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:07 am

Heh might be some truth to it.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Tue Feb 28, 2012 4:03 am

How the internet started.




In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.



And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"



And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"



And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.


And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Thu Apr 26, 2012 4:03 pm

My dad had this from Facebook:

This, Just hot off of the wire:

Hookers Downgrade US Credit Rating
Shortchanging by Secret Service Draws Strong Rebuke

NEW YORK – Days after Secret Service agents shortchanged a group of prostitutes in Colombia, the international trade group representing hookers downgraded the United States’ credit rating from AAA to B.

The strong rebuke from the International Alliance of Professional Escorts came after a Secret Service agent reportedly paid one of its members $30 for an $800 service, or only 4% of the stated price.

The statement from the International Alliance of Professional Escorts said that in downgrading the United States’ credit rating it was sending a clear message that its “members should be aware that doing business with the government of the United States carries with it a significant risk.”

“We are urging our members to avoid conducting transactions with the United States and to focus on more reliable customers, like the International Monetary Fund,” the statement added.

Just hours after the announcement from the escorts’ group, the U.S. Congress passed the following resolution blasting the Secret Service for its actions: “We strongly denounce the Secret Service for consorting with prostitutes, which has traditionally been Congress's role.”

But it was not all bad news this week for the Secret Service, which today reported a 5000% jump in enlistment.

The agency said that enlistment offices across the country have been packed with prospective agents, including House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who abruptly dropped out of the Presidential race to join.
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sun Dec 09, 2012 9:27 pm

MISCONSTRUED QUESTIONS?

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to ...my parents, who will complain to the principal." The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Dec 10, 2012 9:56 pm

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is...enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Tue Dec 11, 2012 4:39 am

^ That is evil but awesome lol

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby cow-boy_be-bop » Fri Dec 28, 2012 11:35 pm

Saw this on FB today

wo couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 5:12 am

That is....awesome lol. In a very bad and naughty way you should not do. But clever none the less. here's one I found......

"My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something i must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No i must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "That's why i poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Tue Jan 01, 2013 5:49 pm

The Americans With No Abilities Act

President Barack Obama and the Democrat-controlled congress are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons With No Ability.

Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales (72 percent), the airline industry (68 percent), and home-improvement warehouse stores (65 percent). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so."
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Sat Jan 12, 2013 3:23 pm

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made ..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
...
The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his!"
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Fri Jan 18, 2013 4:53 am

A very touching story ... Betcha drink to this lady!!!! > > The Woman Marine Pilot > > The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. > > The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. > There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. > But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. Janie, do you have a story to share? > > ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. > > ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story? > > "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking." > > > > > >
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Jan 28, 2013 4:29 am

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
... ... little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby bashfulglowfly » Mon Jan 28, 2013 7:05 am

After ten years of what she’d thought was a very good marriage, a woman’s husband surprised her by saying he wanted a divorce… He told her although it was not her fault, he was moving on… He left that night… Several weeks later, she received notice that she had to leave the house in a week… She’d been expecting this, and had secured a small apartment not far away… On her last night in the house, she ordered the large steamed shrimp special he’d loved so much, from his favorite take out place a few blocks down the street… She ate about half of each one, then had a bit more wine… Eventually she rose, and proceeded to clean the kitchen one last time… Since he and his new love would be arriving the next day, she wanted everything in order… The next morning, she went to each of the curtain rods in the two living room windows… She had saved the remnants of the half eaten shrimp from the night before… With them in hand, she removed the end caps of each rod, inserted several of the half eaten shrimp inside, then replaced the caps… She repeated this in all but two rooms in the house… Then she waited… When her ex and his new love arrived, she noted how youthful she appeared, but said nothing save a few well wishes, then quietly slipped from the house for the last time…

All was well for the new couple, for about two weeks… But then the most telling aroma begin to deepen throughout the building… They tried everything to eliminate it… They changed the carpets, they bought new furniture… They repainted every room, and even had the entire place professionally fumigated… Nothing worked… It eventually became clear, they could no longer stay there… He was going to be forced to buy a new house, at nearly twice the price of the existing one… For weeks the old one continued to languish on the market… He was for paying for a home he couldn’t live in, and spending another small fortune in hotel charges… More than one potential buyer had been ready to sign, that is of course, right up until they’d toured the house… One nearly sued him, he’d gagged so badly from the now smoldering stench… So distressed was he by the whole episode, he’d called her and offered to sell her back the house, at less than half its value just to be rid of it… She took a month to think it over, before she finally agreed… And so it was, that she was there when the movers finished packing and started to leave… As the van rounded the corner out of sight, she poured herself a glass of wine… Only then, did the hint of an extremely pleased smile begin to form, as she considered how thoughtful she’d been in pointing out to them they’d almost forgotten to……. TAKE THE CURTAIN RODS AS WELL… !!!
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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby Psycho 101 » Fri Feb 01, 2013 4:16 am

^^
That one is good. I'd take 4 lanes please.

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Re: Jokes and other Funny Stories

Postby d.yaro » Tue Oct 22, 2013 3:58 pm

Scooped this off a friend on Facebook:

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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